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Saturday, April 6, 2013

When It All Falls Apart...Slowly

This has been a long season for us. Poor curriculum choices got our school year off to an extremely rough start. Had I known then that it would only be half the battle. Soon we would deal with an ER visit with my 3 year old (story here), issues with tweaking my son's medication, the death of my beloved grandmother, massive water damage to our home, and now--the news that two other family members may lose their battle with cancer, (one week after I lost my grandma), and are being placed in Hospice care. Here we sit in April and I shake my head in amazement as this verse comes to mind:

Hebrews 13:5 (b)~......For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (NKJV)

And this:

Jeremiah 29:11~ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (NKJV)

One more:
Isaiah 55:11~ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. (NKJV)

You see, I am clinging to these promises, and some other personal ones, from God. I am trying not to grow weary in the wait, but rather to let it produce a perfect work in me. (James 1:2-4)

I am not even sure when to begin. Not even sure WHERE it began. All I know is I am weary. Here I sit, in my bed AGAIN, with my fourth bought of bronchitis this year. Yeah, I have a tendency to get sick and I get bronchitis often but this year has been vicious. Meaning when I get it, it won't let go. It lingers. Meaning my doctor here in Mississippi tells me to get my bottom into bed, rest, and eat lots of healthy food. Yep, we were blessed by finding this doctor here. He goes on Medical Missions as well.

I began to ponder in my heart, "Why is this year different?" I have spent much time seeking God on this issue. The answer? Stress. And poor lifestyle habits. Sound like an easy fix? Wrong answer. You see, I am one of those type-A people; wired to control. Hope came in the form of a Bible Study that I had the pleasure of being involved in. The book? Let. It. Go by Karen Ehman. I learned a lot during that study. It is still a daily struggle, but I was extremely blessed by that study.

Our topic this time? Yep--you guessed it! Stressed-Less Living by Tracie Miles. Amazing the way God brings things and people into your life when you need them the most. I am at a breaking point. God keeps whispering 'rest' into my heart. What do I do? Pick up something else to do. Here I blog and work on a Review, all the while "resting". Hopeless, I know. Pulling me away to be a Mary, yet I keep wanting to be a Martha. We NEED Martha's, but we also NEED to be Mary once in a while. 

The verse that I hear often?

To be still is to literally cease striving. To me this conjures up an image of resting in God. Remaining still. Standing firm in my faith, as we discussed in this blog post just the other day.

As I sit here typing this, the battle rages on. More phone calls. More bad news. We just lost my grandmother last week, now I hear the news of two more people within the family being placed in Hospice care, about to lose the battle with cancer. One of them needs prayers to reach out to God........and slowly falls apart. And so......I remember the verse from Hebrews. He will never leave nor forsake me. I remember the verse from Jeremiah-He has a plan in all this. And I remember Romans 8:28; all things work together for good. 

So, I wait. And I cry out "Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief", just as the dad did in Mark 9. Lord, strengthen me according to your word. And now, I cling to this:

Isaiah 40:31~ But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (NKJV).

This song always speaks to me as I go through things:


  1. Beautifully written friend - and yes - this bible study is coming along at the perfect time - "imagine that" :-) Glad to be learning from you and going through this with you! Erin

  2. beautiful, just keep remembering, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD, He will never leave you or forsake you.

    1. Thank you for always reminding me of that.

  3. So many of your posts touch me so greatly!! I too am a nurse, I have 3 small children, am about to start homeschooling one, we are very busy and I have anxiety/ anger issues. This all came to a head in Nov when my baby was 9 months old. All of the sudden everything was TOO much..
    I felt so ashamed, other people have more children, their husbands don't help them like mine does, they work full time, etc etc..WHY was I falling apart?!why was I angry at my sweet babies for tiny things? Spanking them in anger then sitting on the floor crying in shame..
    I tried to pray my way through it..I thought. But now looking back I had it all wrong. I didn't really trust God, didn't truly believe in him..
    I started taking meds, and felt like a failure. But I also got the book Am I Messing Up My Kids. It has changed my life!!
    I started having a daily quiet time, getting up before my kids, and it is hard some days,but for the first time in my life I WANT to pray, to see what scripture will reveal to me today. I started journaling, and now am doing the SLL OBS:)
    I came to your blog today to learn a bit about you, and now can't wait to hear from you tonight.
    I still struggle daily with giving God control, turning to him, and definitely with choosing to slow down and REST.doing the self assessment with the study has revealed so much to me.mainly that I can control and prevent many of the daily stresses in my life;)
    I am trying to learn to choose to follow God, to turn to him when I am upset ( I even out many of the verses you have referenced into a note app on my phone, have them on post its all over my house:)

    I am encouraged by the sense of peace and calm I get a glimpse of when I listen to the Lord, be still and choose to live the way he wants me to..

    1. Oh Aubrey! I wish I could reach out and hug you sweet girl. I am pretty much in the same boat as you; our stories could be so similar. I am praying for you sweet girl. I cannot wait for tonight either. Praying The Lord will use me to speak into your heart.